ARC: the Most Powerful People Skill Ever Discovered

Part Six: How ARC Saves and Improves Marriages

As with all relationships, your marriage (or romantic partnership) succeeds or fails based on ARC. The more you communicate, the more you agree on things and the greater your affinity, the better your marriage. If you do not communicate, do not agree or do not like each other, the marriage is doomed.

“Marriages fall apart simply because of a failure of communication, because of a failure of reality and affinity.” — L. Ron Hubbard

To save or improve romantic relationships, simply increase affinity, reality and communication.

Let’s say you are a marriage counselor. How would you save and improve the marriages of the three couples below?

Julie and Mario

Julie and Mario meet at a coffee shop one night and fall madly in love. When apart, they think of nothing but each other. When together, they can’t keep their hands off each other. Neither have experienced so much affinity, so they get married.

Like many young lovers they think, “Our love is so strong, it will make our marriage last forever!” Their Affinity point of the triangle is high.

Unfortunately, they do not agree on what is true or right. Their Reality point of the triangle is low.

Julie doesn’t agree with Mario’s decision to start a plumbing shop. She would rather he became an accountant. Mario doesn’t agree with Julie’s urge to socialize each night. He’d rather she stayed at home with him.

After they have a big argument, they make things worse. They say, “We don’t need to talk about those things right now. Let’s just make love and forget about it all.”

Now, like the Reality point, their Communication point of the triangle is low. Because each point of the triangle depends on the other two, their Affinity point drops. Julie and Mario stop holding hands. They spend more time on their phones than each other. When they talk, they argue about small things: what to eat, who should clean the house and which cat food is best.

The little things become big things: friends, money, sex and so on. The arguments become fights. Mario storms out and stays away for a night. Julie moves back with her parents. Their marriage is dying.

If you were counselling Mario and Julie, what would you ask? What might you recommend?

Bill and Diana

Before they got married, Diana knew Bill’s work would be his highest priority, but they got married anyway. The wedding was incredible and their honeymoon in Fiji was amazing.

Bill and Diana love each other very much. They want a big country home, horses and kids. However, Diana doesn’t want great wealth and Bill wants his first $10 million more than anything else.

So Bill travels each week to meet with startup company founders, executives and other investors. He rarely calls Diana as she just doesn’t understand his business, so they have nothing to talk about. He likes Diana, but for him, their honeymoon is over and making money is his game.

After a few months of being ignored, Diana says, “Bill! It’s time to change. Either we see this marriage counselor or I want out of this marriage.” Bill says, “OK, I can work in a meeting next week.”

As their marriage counselor, what do you ask them? What do you tell them to do?

Larry and Samantha

This couple constantly communicates, but not happily.

They argue, debate, disagree and even yell at each other. They argue first thing in the morning, during the day by phone and most nights.

“Why do you like that guy? He’s an idiot. I wish you were smarter, you know that?”

“What the hell is that smell? I wish you’d clean up after yourself.”

“What’s wrong with you? You stupid idiot! You drive me crazy!”

They disagree about everything: politics, religion, money, sex, kids, friends, homes, entertainment and more.

Even though their Communication point is high (and loud), their Reality or agreement point is very low. Over time, their Affinity point drops and they start to hate each other.

“You’re so STUPID! What’s wrong with you?”

“Oh, okay, so that’s how it gonna be? You prick!”

“I wish I’d married Pat. You’re wasting my life. Why don’t you just get out of here!”

As their marriage advisor, what would you tell Larry and Samantha to do? Can they save and improve their marriage?

Recommendations

This marriage tool is so powerful, you can improve any relationship by asking three types of questions. For example.

1. Affinity: What do we love about each other? What else?

2. Reality: What do we agree on? What else can we agree on?

3. Communication: How can we improve our communication? How else?

You and your spouse can go back and forth asking and discussing these three topics with each other. You can spend hours on this exercise and dramatically improve your marriage.

You can save or improve another couple’s relationship by having them do the same with each other. For example,

“Jill, tell Jack something that you love about him.”

“Jack, tell Jill something you love about her.”

“Jill, tell Jack a few things you agree with him about.”

“Jack, tell Jill a way you can communicate with her more frequently” and so on.

Sooner or later, solutions pop up. Love and happiness replace anger and frustration.

While this use of the ARC Triangle may not save or improve every relationship, it’s a great start. It opens the door to more-advanced marriage counseling techniques. And it’s easy to use.

Give it a try!

P.S. Remember to constantly increase ARC for yourself, as well. It not only makes you happier, it helps with your relationships. Read “ARC, Part Eight.”