Control, Part Four
Boost Your Power by NOT Controlling Certain Things
As you know from Control, Part One, Part Two and Part Three” the greater your control, the greater your power and income. However, you must NOT control certain things.
George Turns His Stress into Success by Doing Less
George is a successful and respected restaurant owner, but his restaurant is not growing, and he is frustrated. He hires a consultant to help.
They meet in George’s office at 6 AM. The consultant says, “OK, so tell me about your frustrations, George. What’s going on?”
George’s face turns red and he smacks his desk. “I’m sick of this! I’m ready to QUIT!” I’ve had it. I don’t know what to do.”
The consultant quickly recovers from this big reaction. “Tell me what’s going on.”
“I’m angry all the time. My doctor says my stress is killing me. I can’t sleep or enjoy food any longer.”
His consultant says, “Okay, let’s make a list. You tell me all the problems and I’ll write them down.”
George’s hands are shaking as he says, “Fine. I’m losing money. Last month’s income was horrible. Next, the office roof still leaks. The landlord says he’ll fix it next month, but it really bothers me. The economy news is bad. I watch the news constantly and worry our country will be ruined. My son wants to quit college and come home. I love him, but can’t stand his stupid decision. And NOW, the IRS is coming after me.”
The consultant says, “That’s all?”
George is confused. He says, “What? What do you mean? Isn’t that enough?”
“Let’s review these problems. The first one IS your problem. You can take control of your money and I’ll show you how to do it. The other four problems ARE NOT your problems.”
He gives the list to George and says, “Your landlord needs to fix the roof, you need to stop watching the news, your son needs to be on his own because he’s 20, and your accountant is handling the IRS.”
George says, “But …” “They …” “I …” “Oh …” He stares at the list for a few minutes.
His hands stop shaking and his face relaxes. He says, “Ah, wow. Okay, you’re right.”
They talk it over and George makes four decisions: stop complaining to his landlord, stop watching the news, let his son make his own choices and trust his accountant will do her job.
George smiles and says, “Okay, this is good. Let’s fix my finances.”
You Can’t Solve Problems Outside Your Zone of Responsibility
“When an individual attempts to extend control far beyond his active interest in a job or in life he encounters difficulty.”
“Thus there is obviously another factor involved than control. This factor is willingness not to control and is fully as important as control itself.” — L. Ron Hubbard
Three Signs You Try to Control Things You Cannot Control
1. You feel unhappy, frustrated and angry. If you can’t get your way, you are stressed.
2. You feel the need to change people. You correct everyone’s mistakes, ideas or behavior. You give aggressive, demanding lectures.
3. You hate being wrong. Being right is more important than being correct.
Fortunately, identifying those things you should NOT control is easy. It’s one of the most important control skills you can master.
Top Three Benefits
1. Your stress goes down or goes away completely. You stop wasting your time, money and effort.
2. Those responsible for controlling themselves and their situations have a better chance of succeeding without you interfering. You allow or grant them the power to be in charge of themselves.
3. Controlling what IS in your zone of responsibility becomes easier.
Power Exercise: How to Use this Control Skill
1. Make a list of your worries, problems and sources of stress. Include everything that ruins your mood.
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2. Circle all items that are outside your sphere of operation or zone of responsibility.
Examples: the weather, a partner who constantly lies, most politics, adult offspring who can’t pay their bills, siblings, coworkers who slack off, news media, bullies, what certain people think of you, power outages, the economy, world events and pandemics.
3. Decide to stop trying to control these circled items. Let them go. Do nothing more about them.
4. Take better control of the things within your zone of responsibility.
Examples: your mood, how you spend your time, your production, your money, where you live, what you believe, how you treat others, your habits, your personal power, your possessions and your future.
Three Examples
1. Every day, you are annoyed by a coworker who slurps his coffee. It drives you crazy! You tell him, but he thinks you are being silly. You make sarcastic jokes, but he still slurps away.
You realize the coworker’s slurping is outside your sphere of operation, so you stop caring if he slurps or not. You decide his slurping is okay and focus on your job. No more stress!
2. One of your employees, Dave, is constantly late. You yell at him, but he is still late. You penalize him with less pay, but he is still late. You threaten to fire him, but he’s still late.
You finally decide you can’t control him. You realize only Dave can make Dave show up on time.
You tell Dave, “I’m giving up. I can’t make you show up on time. You have to handle it.”
Dave says, “Oh, I’m very sorry, but I have a hard time sleeping. If I force myself to get up without enough sleep, I can’t think very well and make mistakes. Can I keep my job?”
You decide Dave is too valuable to fire, so you change the rule. “Work for eight hours, every day, whenever you like.”
You and Dave are delighted and get more work done.
3. You wake up because your neighbor’s family dog is barking; they are on vacation. You get really upset and yell at the dog, which makes him bark louder. You try, but you can’t sleep.
So you give up. “I can’t control the dog, so why worry. I’ll have some chamomile tea and use noise-cancelling earplugs.” Even though the dog keeps barking, you enjoy a good sleep.
Bonus Tip: What to Do When Others Try to Give You Their Problems
People may try to make you control things outside your zone of operation. You must refuse. Three examples:
1. A friend asks you for a loan to pay his bills. You say, “I’m sorry that you can’t pay your bills, but I’m not going to pay them for you. You need to earn the money yourself.”
2. Your boss asks you to go fix the sales problem in New York. You say, “Well, I’m the sales manager for California and have no power over New York. Sorry. However, I’ll be happy to fix the New York sales . . . if you promote me to Vice President of USA Sales.”
3. A woman in a store sees your young son pulling faces and says, “You shouldn’t let him make gross faces like that.” You say, “Yeah, pretty gross, but it’s his face. He can make it be whatever he wants.”