Control, Part Six

The Four Circles of Control

Based on the earlier articles on control, you can place everything in your life into one of these four categories or circles:

1. Things that you can control.
2. Things you can Influence.
3. Things you cannot control.
4. Things that control you.

Your life makes more sense if you put each element of your life into one of these circles.

You then boost your success by treating each element according to its circle.

1. You take better control of the elements in Circle One.
2. You increase your influence on the elements in Circle Two.
3. You leave the elements in Circle Three fully uncontrolled.
4. You happily allow control over you from good elements in Circle Four while denying control over you from any negative elements.

Circle One: Things That You Control

The more you control these things, the greater your success. “Control, Part One,” “Control, Part Two” and “Control, Part Three” explain how to do this.

Examples: Your imagination, plans, activities, opinions, moods, skills, productivity, lifestyle and reactions. Click below for more examples.

Circle Two: Things That You Influence

You can influence, but not fully control the elements in this circle. For example, you cannot make people respect you, but you can earn their respect. 

You can influence your health, your spouse’s opinions, your reputation, your employees and your investments. See “Control, Part Four.” 

Once you recognize that you only influence these elements, you can stop wasting time trying to control them. You can relax and use strategies to just influence them.

If any of these elements cause you stress, take control of your REACTIONS. Reactions, such as anger, discomfort and upset, are in Circle One.

Circle Three: Things You Do Not Control

You control nothing in this circle. If you try, you fail. You are better off when you accept these elements as they are. See “Control, Part Four” for details.

Examples: The weather, the news media, the stock market, prices, pollution, pandemics, natural disasters, world opinions, etc.

Be willing to experience them. Let them do whatever they are going to do. Do not worry about them.

How to Succeed with Control Circles

Once you place elements of your life in their correct Control Circles, you find solutions. You can create Action Plans that actually work. Below are three examples.

Situation #1: You Hate the Weather. What do you do?

1. Maybe you complain to anyone who will listen. “I really hate cold days like today.”
2. Perhaps you watch the news. Find out what weather experts and others have to say about it.
3. Or you let the weather get you down and ruin your mood.

Situation #1: Action Plan Using Control Circles

1. You put “Weather” in Circle Three and accept that you can do nothing about the weather. You then consider the elements in Circle One.
2. Circle One includes related things that you control, such as your clothing, activities and locations. You consider one or more of these actions.
   1. You dress appropriately so you are protected from cold or wet weather.
   2. You find ways to enjoy the weather, such as invigorating walks.
   3. You stay sheltered all day so you do not suffer.
   4. You take a vacation or move to a location with weather you enjoy.
3. You take the appropriate actions.

As a result, the weather no longer bothers you. You do not care if it’s raining, hot, cold, snowing, cloudy or sunny. You take control and your negative feelings about the weather vanish!

Situation #2: Help Someone Stop Smoking

Your brother has been smoking cigarettes for 40 years. He’s constantly coughing and looks like he’s heading for an early death. You decide to make him stop.

What Might You Do?

1. Give him hints and suggestions, which he ignores.
2. Get into an argument about it and you lose the fight.
3. You get your mom and sister to meet with him for an intervention. You trick him to come to the family meeting where everyone pressures him to stop smoking. He lights up a smoke, laughs and leaves.
4. Schedule a doctor appointment, but on the day of the appointment, he vanishes.
5. You sadly admit to yourself that have no hope and you give up.

Action Plan Using Control Circles

1. You decide to move this situation in Circle Two and just have some influence. You realize it will never be under your control, but your brother CAN control it, if he wants to.
2. You work on your Circle One elements.
   1. You mentally grant him the right to be who he wants to be and your stress vanishes.
   2. You improve your people skills so you can be more persuasive.
   3. You research and write a stop-smoking step-by-step plan for him to consider.
3. You work to influence your brother, not control him.
   1. You improve your relationship with your brother and make it clear you are on his side.
   2. You get his agreement to privately meet with you to discuss his health and find out why he smokes.
   3. You patiently persuade him to agree to the step-by-step plan to stop smoking.
   4. You support him when he misses a step and celebrate when he takes a step.

One month later, he stops smoking! He says the urges are gone. He gives you all the credit.

Situation #3: You Feel Angry or Frustrated When People Do Not Agree with You

You are obsessed with something you feel is important.

It might be a cause (like global warming, immigration or war), a political view (right, middle, left), a religion, etc.

You believe everyone MUST agree with you, but they don’t.

What Might You Do?

1. Spend several hours every day, on your obsession, watching, reading or listening to your favorite news media company. They grab your attention with alarming headlines. The stories stir up your passion and anger.
2. You work hard to get people to agree with the views from your news sources. You talk about it to anyone will listen. You share articles, posts, tweets and email.
3. You only like people who share your opinions. You dislike and criticize anyone who disagrees with your news media’s views.
4. After you lose a few good friends, and waste weeks of time, you realize you have changed no one’s mind. Your anger and stress wears you down and hurts your income.

Because you allow the news media to control your time, opinions and moods, it belongs in Circle Four.

You decide to take control and move your time, opinions and moods into Circle One.

Action Plan Ideas to Take Control

1. Take Control of Your Time
   1. You spend less time watching, listening and reading the news.
   2. When you feel the urge to get the latest news, you watch a movie or a documentary.
   3. You rekindle your love for books, art and music.
   4. You spend more time on beneficial activities, such as starting a business, helping your family members, volunteering some of your time, organizing your life and getting more work done.
2. Take Control of Your Opinions
   1. You increase your knowledge by learning what other news outlets report for the same stories. You use fact-check websites to see which versions of the story are the most accurate.
   2. You learn how the news media businesses make profit and learn how the more alarming the story is to the viewers, the more income the media company makes.
   3. You dive into the issues that matter most to you. You go to the sources and learn for yourself. You seek the truth for yourself.
   4. You discover none of the news stories include all of the facts. They all emphasize or even alter facts that line up with their favorite opinions. They invent facts and call them opinions.
   5. Based on your actual knowledge, you form your own opinions.
3. Take Control of Your Moods
   1. Instead of watching the news, you take long walks and drives. You focus on what you see. You notice how the “important news you need to know” has nothing to do with the real world.
   2. You spend more time on beneficial activities, such as starting a business, helping your family members, volunteering some of your time, organizing your life and getting more work done.

As a result, you take control of your mood, your time and your opinions. You do more good things for people, get more accomplished and reach more goals. You feel terrific!

You can also take rational action to help the world. You raise donations, volunteer your time or start your own group. Because you make significant progress, you never feel angry or frustrated.

You love what you do!

Exercise

List the elements of your life in one of the four circles. Click the image for a larger version that you can print.

What do you control?
What do you influence?
What do you have no control over?
Which elements control you?

After you complete this exercise, take action!

Action Plan

1. Take more control over the things in Circle One.

For example, you get rid of an old grudge by forgiving the person, you control your anger by taking yourself less seriously or you take five deep breaths whenever you feel stress.

Use the recommendations in “How to Discover Your Power and Command of Life.”

2. Exert more influence over the things in Circle Two.

For example, you pay more attention to the elements you want to influence, you set better examples, you make suggestions, you get support from others, you share your knowledge.

Use the recommendations in “How People Treat You Depends on You,” “Like it or Not, People Follow Your Example” and “Three Ways to Treat People.”

3. Stop trying to control things that are unrealistic for you to control. Some of the elements you think are in Circle One or Circle Two might actually be in Circle Three or Circle Four.

For example, you think that criticizing and complaining makes improvements. Yet if you check reality, you may see that your complaints amount to nothing. You have no control or influence. All you do is ruin your mood and others’ moods. So instead, you acknowledge your limits and change your strategy. As a result, your mood improves, and you do things to improve conditions in the world.

Five More Uses and Benefits

1. Being Ignored Stops Bothering You

Let’s say a friend ignores you and you feel upset. You try a few messages and even ask mutual friends to help, but she still ignores you. You are so upset about this that you cannot sleep.

You look at your control circles and realize you cannot control nor influence your friend’s attention. She is in Circle Three.

You can, however, take control of your upset feeling. You silently forgive her and appreciate your other friends a little more. You then boost your mood by reorganizing your closet and taking a long hike.

2. You Stop Being Abused

You are terrified of someone who emotionally abuses you and controls you in negative ways (Circle Four). You realize you made a big mistake of believing this person is good for you. You cannot control this person, but you can control who you associate with.

You make a plan to slowly disconnect from this person. As you make progress, you start to feel happier. Once you disconnect, you enjoy new potential for successful living.

3. You Calmly Handle Disasters

When anything unplanned or uncontrollable happens such as a pandemic or flood, focus on what you CAN influence and control. You know that things in Circle Three, are beyond your control, are not worth worrying about. You do not fight the disaster. You accept it, deal with it and move on.

4. You Eliminate Regrets

You cannot control your past decisions. You did what you did and cannot change it. All regrets are in Circle Three.

Instead, you find things in Circles One and Two; elements you can control and influence. You can apologize. You can make up the damage you caused. You can teach anyone who might make similar mistakes and protect anyone who might be harmed.

You have no regrets.

5. Increase Control of Your Life Decisions

Even though you are an adult, you realize your father still controls your decisions. Your decision-making is stuck in Circle Four. You decide to move it to Circle One.

You review your biggest decisions that your father made you accept. You change a few that you disagree with. You also realize many of them are actually excellent decisions. You make them into YOUR decisions. All of your decisions are now yours.

You move forward on YOUR path.